Life or death

(This is the strongest and most emotional title I've had to write about since starting this project and I am glad someone sent it in because I never would have had the courage to talk about something this sensitive on my own accord. I really don't want to offend anyone. If you have contemplated suicide at any point in time, this is for you.)

How often does someone have to go through the dilemma of choosing life or death? I'm thankful, that I have not witnessed or experienced bullying that spiralled out of control. I'm thankful, that I have not had to wake up to find out that my friend or relative committed suicide (and may I never have to). I'm thankful that the people I care about are alive and well. And I am so sorry that I cannot empathise with people who have experienced tragedy and that I don't know the right words to say.

I cannot say that choosing death has never crossed my mind. It's when that awful loneliness and helplessness and self-loathe just hovers above you and slowly engulfs you as you dissolve in tears. You just feel so frickin ugly and you don't resort to drugs or alcohol so all you can do is fucking cry and it just gives you a terrible headache. In that moment, crouching on the bathroom floor, you just feel so useless in the world and like you're not worth anything at all. That "bright future ahead of you" looks absolutely pointless because you think "we'll will die eventually anyway, screw society's expectations". As you look in the mirror with your tearful face and pounding headache, all these imaginations of you attempting suicide just start racing through your mushed brain. It starts to overwhelm those thoughts that say "don't do it, you're going to hurt people" because you are so sick and tired of hurting already.

But no, don't do it. Please just don't do it. I cannot tell you enough how strong emotions in the heat of the moment can make us do things that may seem right at that moment, but if you choose death, you're not giving yourself any chance at all to prove yourself wrong. You are not worthless or useless and you are so much more than you give yourself credit for. If you don't believe this, give the people who love you a chance to convince you. And these people will be so confused and devastated if you choose death. You can cry and break down when it gets tough, but after that you will be okay and it will be so unfair to deny yourself that chance to live those amazing days life has in store for you. You will do great things and meet new people who will learn to cherish you in every way. Choose life for yourself. Show the people who want to tear you apart that you are indestructible. And when you find yourself feeling vulnerable, don't you dare call yourself weak because god knows how strong you've been to stay alive, and vulnerability does not equate weakness. It's hard to open up to people about this, even people whom you've known for years. Maybe sometimes, death seems like the only way out, but please, there are people who are waiting to help without you knowing it. You just have to take a deep breath and call for help. Find the strength to make a call, send a text, anything to get the emotional support and beacon of hope you so rightfully need.

And I hope nothing or no one will ever have to make you even consider choosing death, because that process is scary as hell. No one deserves to be caught in that dilemma of choosing life or death, and no one has the right to throw someone in that trap either.
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