Snap out of it

She paces up and down the room aimlessly, searching for ways to occupy herself and put all the hideous thoughts she harbours away. She chides herself for seeing only disapproval in her own reflection, for she has reminded herself countlessly not to let jealousy get the better of her. Yet every time, on a bad day like this, she relents. 

She becomes weak.

"Look slimmer. Look prettier," she says, with every glance in the mirror. What a hypocrite, that damned mirror. Every time she thinks she looks good in her reflection, she is betrayed when she looks at a photograph of her. She is so distracted by what she yearns to be, she doesn't realize the good she already is. She doesn't recognize the beauty of her soul and mind. It's the words one speaks that attract and fascinate, not the contours of one's face and body! 

Ah, but it's so easy to forget.

She tries and tries, lying down, getting up, lying down, getting up. She looks for comfort in listening to the music she finds ever so enthralling, yet she can only be captivated for so long. Soon, the lyrics become harsh reminders of past mistakes and misunderstandings. She chides herself again, "Why so stupid why so stupid!" Replaying the scenes in her head, his words lingered on like stale air in an old dusty room. All the self-doubt comes rushing back like dark gloomy clouds for an impending storm. 

She tries. "He's not worth it." But she can only fake it for so long. She uses the bathroom as an excuse. Solitude at last. No need to put on a happy front. No one to please. Her mind is one puzzle she can't even wrap her head around, ironically. Why wait for a train that will never arrive? "Move on, damn it! Get your shit together! Snap out of it!" She is screaming in silence. Stepping out, all she can do is keep up this mundane routine until something that stirs her heart comes along. And she tries to stay alive.

Yeah, not a particularly good day today. Thus, rambling. Lots of it.