Submission week is approaching and it's like all these emotions start piling on top of you and you're just struggling to stay on top. When people ask how are you, I always say "okay" without even thinking when what I should be saying is "I'm incredibly conflicted". It's very tiring to say why so I shan't.
Yesterday I went through my first and probably most arduous photoshoot I will ever have, but I really hope it'll be worth it. You have to believe me when I say anything that can go wrong WILL GO WRONG. This photoshoot took us to far ends of Singapore I didn't even know existed and so many things went wrong (but also right). Anyway you'll see when I can put the photoshoot photos up. Sunday's part 2 of the shoot and I am seriously expecting everything to go much much more smoothly.
Recently I have been toying with film cameras, one I dug up from the corners of my home and the other Charmaine's, and I just got them back from the print shop and god so many mixed emotions. The ones that turned out actually turned out gorgeous for a first time but so many of them didn't even turn out??? Well at this point you will learn how idiotic and ignorant I can be because while attempting to unwind and take out the film canister properly, I exposed part of the film for THREE SECONDS and apparently that means wiping out over 20 photos I was so hoping to be able to see. Can you feel my pain because I AM IN PAIN. So that's that. Not sure if I will experiment with film anytime soon. Maybe I'll play with a cheap disposable camera and see how that goes because right now I don't think it's worth spending $100 on a good film camera on me. Mourning my precious photos.
Since Robin Williams' death I've thought and read about suicide a lot more and no I don't mean me wanting to commit suicide but just the idea of suicide. I really don't know what to feel about it because so many people have said "don't kill yourself you have no idea what it will do to the people who love you" but then again they have no idea what goes on in someone's head. Is there even a right or wrong?? I wonder if anyone else thinks about how they would want to commit suicide (should they ever). Either way, suicide brings me a lot of sadness and no one should ever, ever tell anyone to go kill themselves. But if your own mind is screaming at you to do it...I don't know, I just keep thinking about the whole process of someone being driven to actually do it. I feel so conflicted about so many things right now.
It's a bad day not a bad life it's a bad day not a bad life
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