Problems

I don't know what you're supposed to do when you have this void in you that you don't know how to fill up. I feel like everyone around me is more complete than I am and I feel lost. The human need to feel wanted is ever present in my mind but I do not know if I am ever going to be wanted. Scrutinizing the fraying strands of my hair and the flawed silhouette of my body, I'm convinced that I am nothing but a small speck in this world of dots, and I don't know if anyone is willing to look beyond that. My mind can be a wonderful yet terrifying place to be. A ship in the ocean, paradise perhaps, but you never know when the storm will hit. I often dream about meeting a boy I will learn to love and I dream about being happy with every inch of myself. I also imagine myself getting hit by a car or shot on the streets and I wonder who turns up for my funeral. I know I am capable of harbouring monstrous thoughts and it makes me question my sanity every now and then. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for pity (and never will) but I will be content to know that maybe I'm not the only one who puts myself through emotional hell at times.
Give, give, give, they say. Give even though you won't receive, but there comes a point when you've given until you have nothing left. When smiles are forced through clenched teeth and eyes cease to glimmer. I hope that never happens. I hope someone, something will stop me from tipping over and that everything will be okay. That's all I can ever do isn't it? People are always preaching about counting on yourself and only yourself to carve out your own happiness but I need someone to pull me back to where I need to be because I'm so confused and distraught. I don't know what I did wrong and I'm afraid of doing it again. I feel so disjointed and disconnected and detached from everything I used to think I was in control of. And please do not tell me to look up to The Highest Authority because it's hardly possible for me to keep faith right now. The days are getting swallowed in darkness and I need to find my everlasting light.
Take me back to Rockout, anywhere where I can submerge myself in music and music alone and get lost in the echoing beats instead of the thoughts in my head. Where the melodic words from people I've never met can make me do some soul-searching much quicker than tiring conversations with acquaintances.
I had a good time that night and I'm still in awe of the amount of talent we saw on stage.

I miss my long hair.