Strung out

My weekends seem so bleak compared to my weekdays recently, yet I still look forward to weekends anyway. I shouldn't be feeling so angsty and moody. Making art has always been a way out for me and now when I'm given the right to do so, I'm stressing too much over it instead. That doesn't feel right. I'm not saying I regret any decisions I've made because I do not, but I just wish I would be more at ease, more talented maybe. It's quite surreal that block 1 is already over and I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy block 2. Other than the stress, design life is pretty cool. I like how you can get inspired just by walking past well-dressed people or looking at people's works. Sometimes it makes you feel kind of inferior but you have to remind yourself to be more positive. I guess I'm still easily influenced by what I see every day, in the sense that I don't have an individual, outstanding style to stick to just yet. But maybe that's okay. I just go with my mood. Monday has been declared "grunge day" for vol'mi and I'm going to put myself out there and be as grungy as I possibly can, because these are the type of things worth living for right? 

I have the tendency to want to write only when I'm feeling sad, yet most of the time I don't even know why I'm sad. It's like everything else is okay, just that there's this feeling of loneliness and emptiness etched in my heart and it never really goes away for good. What am I even supposed to do? 

Recently, I've been using nonchalance to hide the insecurities that plague my mind and I guess that's working out. A friend talked about how her perception of 'pretty' is totally different from what boys see as 'pretty'. Sometimes, the appeal of good looks doesn't measure up to that of a brilliant personality. Won't it be lovely to have someone fall in love with your mind, far more deeply than with your looks?

So me playing hockey is a thing again now haha it has been very liberating actually and it puts me in a good mood (even though I have so much to brush up on after the super long hiatus). New teammates seem like a fun bunch too so I am glad it all turned out fine. 

Guess that's it for my rather unhappening life update. Excited to see what the days to come have in store for us. I feel like I need to find out more things about myself, and I need to know what I actually can do. 

This was quite disorganized sigh.....I crave to be a better writer. Have a good weekend x