Solitude

I've gotten to the point of feeling so lonely that I'm just using this space as an avenue to let go and hopefully feel a little better. I know that there are people who care about me and thus I probably shouldn't even be feeling lonely but sometimes when you're left on your own too much, left alone with your own thoughts, the peace you usually get when you're alone disappears and you actually start to feel lonely. The negativity builds and it overshadows everything else; you're consumed by it. I guess it's hard to comprehend unless you've experienced the same thing. Probably sounds really stupid and selfish, but it's getting hard to see people you used to be so close to move on fantastically without you being there. I know, I know, you're supposed to be happy, be how a good friend is supposed to be, but perhaps there's a limit to how much you can take.
I see the lives of others in vibrant colours, with everything in the right place. But mine's much more dreary and monotonous. Ahhh I don't know, I'm not trying to complain because perhaps in the long run, the tables will turn and I will be fine, but I am trying to stop all these childish thoughts from flooding over and clouding my rationality. But sometimes, emotions don't pay heed to rationality. Ahhh I don't know, I'm just rambling and it's so difficult to let these words flow. I just feel troubled, and I don't really know how to tell it to anyone so why not tell it to whoever is willing to listen. Ambiguity is good. Maybe it's not just this that's causing the loneliness. Maybe it's me constantly thinking about past mistakes and about fate. I have the tendency to brood over things that I can never change, thinking about what ifs instead of moving on. Pausing for a second, as if the world has come to a standstill, when ever I see that name on my screen. Is it human nature, that when we see someone being happy, we can't help but want their happiness for ourselves too? And I think about fate, how every little decision we make could potentially change our stars and make you turn out differently. So making decisions, even really trivial ones, becomes a very cautious process, because there's so many more factors to consider. You have this plan for yourself, but the thing about plans is they never really go exactly the way you want to. So are you supposed to worry? What if the "fate" you want isn't what you're gonna get? Are you supposed to be upset, or will it all be okay eventually? You can never know for sure, can you?
Yeah, so maybe all these heavy thoughts, plus the I-feel-left-out feelings, plus the ever-present self esteem issues, are taking a serious toll on me and I just feel so helpless sometimes that I can't do anything about it. Sure, tomorrow I can be like, not gonna let this shit stop me from being happy I'm gonna prove it to you, but the bad days always come. Always. Ah whatever, I'm gonna continue putting on a happy front, shouldn't be imposing these stupid problems on other people. Just gotta survive a few more weeks and it'll be okay. Have a good day and I apologize if this post wasn't cohesive at all...it's a not so happy valentines day. Sigh, and for a moment I thought this day was going to be great.