Second love came by on a Friday afternoon - an unexpected knock on my door. We talked and it was the easiest conversation I had in months.
Second love did not look the way I envisioned him in my head, neither did he speak or act the way I imagined. I supposed the universe has its funny way of making things happen at the right time, because I was ready to fall in love with my eyes closed. He welcomed me into the home of his heart and I stayed, studying the worn out walls of this hardened heart I wanted to just hold in the palm of my hands.
I studied the memories he immortalised in picture frames on the shelf. Then I studied the charred remains of those he threw into the fireplace to burn. I sat on the edge of the couch, trying to shake off the (very real) possibility that this could end in wreckage, that silly me was going to stumble and knock things over and break them - that my shaky hands would never be fit for a heart like his.
But then he came and sat beside me, took my hand in his and radiated a warmth unlike anything I've felt before. He spoke volumes to me without having to say a word. So I looked at him, buried my head in his chest and stayed, because maybe second love is the one we get right.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Saturday, February 6, 2016
An open letter
This is an open letter to the boys who made me a better lover.
Why do we dive head first into situations that we know are probably not going to work out? This morning, I found myself digging up old messages and past conversations with people who I've always tried to shake off and forget. However I mustered up the courage to read them all, through all the cringing and "god I said that???" A few years back, I could not tell the difference between "I'm in love with you" and "I'm in love with the attention you give me". But all the interactions and experiences have made me a whole lot wiser and realise that love is a simple concept that we overcomplicate ourselves.
"I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known." - Chuck Palahniuk
#1
You are the first, but the wrong first. I was not in love with you even though I said I was. I did not understand what I was doing because I was trying to walk on water. After all, who could be in love at 13? But you taught me about second chances, and how some second chances are just too good to be true. I didn't know love could fall apart so easily. Even though you were pretty clueless yourself, I now appreciate the uncertainty you had, because we were meant to be friends, and nothing more. At least we can laugh at the painfully awkward situations we put each other through.
#2
You were different, because you were certain - too certain. You came to me everyday, hands out stretched with affection I didn't even know I wanted. But I took it anyway, in minute amounts, one at a time, because I didn't want to leave scars in something that seemed so pure and pristine. For a long time, I felt guilty, for wasting your time and for being so hypocritical and contradicting. I am sorry. I am happy that you have moved on, and I have made peace with my old self. Never again will I rush into something I'm unsure of, in the hopes that one day I will make up my mind, because I have no right to give someone a false sense of security.
#3
You, are all I've been waiting for. I am in love with you, and for the first time, I know what I'm saying. Everyday you teach me something new about myself, as I learn new things about you. For once I am certain. While you are not exactly the first, I have shared so many firsts with you, that I don't know how this could ever come to an end. With you, love is intangible, and it is a sum of many little things that I never knew were love, because I've always thought of love as something grand. You taught me that love does not boast and it does not have a face. It's unexpected - it's the penny you find on the ground at the corner of the street because for some reason, you decided to look down. While I have no forecast of the future, I have this feeling that we'll be stuck with each other for a pretty long time. And everything I have with you, is worth all of the screw-ups and missteps made in the past.
Why do we dive head first into situations that we know are probably not going to work out? This morning, I found myself digging up old messages and past conversations with people who I've always tried to shake off and forget. However I mustered up the courage to read them all, through all the cringing and "god I said that???" A few years back, I could not tell the difference between "I'm in love with you" and "I'm in love with the attention you give me". But all the interactions and experiences have made me a whole lot wiser and realise that love is a simple concept that we overcomplicate ourselves.
"I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known." - Chuck Palahniuk
#1
You are the first, but the wrong first. I was not in love with you even though I said I was. I did not understand what I was doing because I was trying to walk on water. After all, who could be in love at 13? But you taught me about second chances, and how some second chances are just too good to be true. I didn't know love could fall apart so easily. Even though you were pretty clueless yourself, I now appreciate the uncertainty you had, because we were meant to be friends, and nothing more. At least we can laugh at the painfully awkward situations we put each other through.
#2
You were different, because you were certain - too certain. You came to me everyday, hands out stretched with affection I didn't even know I wanted. But I took it anyway, in minute amounts, one at a time, because I didn't want to leave scars in something that seemed so pure and pristine. For a long time, I felt guilty, for wasting your time and for being so hypocritical and contradicting. I am sorry. I am happy that you have moved on, and I have made peace with my old self. Never again will I rush into something I'm unsure of, in the hopes that one day I will make up my mind, because I have no right to give someone a false sense of security.
#3
You, are all I've been waiting for. I am in love with you, and for the first time, I know what I'm saying. Everyday you teach me something new about myself, as I learn new things about you. For once I am certain. While you are not exactly the first, I have shared so many firsts with you, that I don't know how this could ever come to an end. With you, love is intangible, and it is a sum of many little things that I never knew were love, because I've always thought of love as something grand. You taught me that love does not boast and it does not have a face. It's unexpected - it's the penny you find on the ground at the corner of the street because for some reason, you decided to look down. While I have no forecast of the future, I have this feeling that we'll be stuck with each other for a pretty long time. And everything I have with you, is worth all of the screw-ups and missteps made in the past.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Resolutions
It's Christmas week!!! 2015 passed by unbelievably fast and I just got this sudden motivation to get my life back on track. I'm thinking the source of this timely motivation either comes from my self-reflections during my time in Thailand, or from watching Southpaw on the plane back (which you should watch if you haven't).
While I have no control over what will happen in the future, the least I can do is make sure I am happy with how I'm living now. So here it is!! A list of resolutions which will not be empty promises, but actual do-able everyday things. Hurrah positivity.
1. Be more confident
I think it is time to live less cautiously. No more second-guessing, no more self-doubting. I've always admired people who can truly be who they are, without any consideration of what others think of them. Confident people exude this aura which seems pretty contagious to me, and it would be amazing to have that sort of influence too. Self-confidence has been something I've been working on, and I appreciate the people who have helped to build me up without even knowing it. Being confident also means no more comparing myself to others, which is pretty much at the top of my list. Nothing good comes out of it, so by focusing on my own happiness, I'll have a lot more love to give.
2. Be more organized and tidy
Basically this entails: cleaning up my room, getting a planner and sticking to it, avoiding procrastination as much as possible, being less lazy and messy in general - tada.
3. Be kinder to my body
Everyone's body is different, so there is no use in comparing yours with someone else's really. Instead, I should just focus on being comfortable in my own skin. It's not easy to get the body you've always wanted, but hey, I'm going to try. I've never been good with diets, and I'm not very fond of them either. Honestly, I don't know how people can go a day without carbs. I guess the main thing is to do things consciously. Make better choices and while you can cheat once in while, just don't end up cheating yourself. And also, I have rekindled my love for running! Sometimes, working out is more of a mental challenge than a physical one, so do it because you want to, not because you have to. Doing it with company helps! :-)
4. Unplug more often
This, I think, is going to be a little hard, but I'm tired of always resorting to staring at my phone when I have nothing to do. I want to go on more dates, and have great conversations without even thinking of looking at my phone, because the person in front of me is far more interesting. I want to do more outdoor stuff, and see wonderful things with my own eyes, not through someone else's. I want to be productive and extraordinary and adventurous first, then maybe I'll decide if I want to post the photos I took along the way. While being online has changed me in certain ways, at this point in time, I'd much rather go offline and see how that changes me instead.
That's all for now, now go off and soak in that holiday spirit. And if you wanna, tell me about your resolutions and we can start a little conversation wheeee.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Teach me how to love
Love has always been a very shiny concept to me. The kind you see in movies that have you feeling a little delusional for days, the kind that makes you smile to yourself on the bus, the kind that you day-dream about. But once you take a swing at it, those things are really only a minor part of a much, much bigger picture. Love is hard work, but it's the kind of hard work you wouldn't mind doing, because you are that convinced that it is going to be worth it in the end.
You know, I thought that this post was going to be a way for me to express my frustration when life gets in the way of what could be and I just feel a sense of loss. But it is 12:12am and it's raining outside, and I don't feel particularly upset. Love has made me realise a lot about myself, more than anything (but not in a selfish way - it works both ways).
In Lora Mathis' words: Some days you will feel like the ocean. Others you will feel like you're drowning in it. Like I said before, it is not realistic to expect someone else to make you the center of your universe. At least not in the long run. While some days, all I want is to put this person in front of all else (even myself), on others that is just not possible. The hardest thing for me, so far, is to realise that love should not make you lose your individuality. Yes, I literally want to do everything with my favourite person in the world, but let's get real - spending time apart is inevitable and necessary.
He can make me feel like the luckiest person in the entire universe, but also the most vulnerable. And let's just say, I'm not the best at coping with the latter. But I'm working on it. For someone who values words of reassurance and physical acts of affection, boy is it hard to be left alone, hanging onto every single word of the last argument. You know what, ego's a bitch. As much as you'd like to hear "you're right, I'm sorry", it doesn't go your way all the time (obviously). Love, after it hits you hard, will soothe you in unexpected ways and make you want to let go and give in. Love holds no grudges and love is transparent. It takes a while to be transparent, which can be incredibly frustrating, but be patient. You will feel insecure and under-appreciated at times, which will suck. Hard. But if he's meant to be in your life, he won't be going anywhere, and he should let you know that. I hope I've got it right this time.
You know, I thought that this post was going to be a way for me to express my frustration when life gets in the way of what could be and I just feel a sense of loss. But it is 12:12am and it's raining outside, and I don't feel particularly upset. Love has made me realise a lot about myself, more than anything (but not in a selfish way - it works both ways).
In Lora Mathis' words: Some days you will feel like the ocean. Others you will feel like you're drowning in it. Like I said before, it is not realistic to expect someone else to make you the center of your universe. At least not in the long run. While some days, all I want is to put this person in front of all else (even myself), on others that is just not possible. The hardest thing for me, so far, is to realise that love should not make you lose your individuality. Yes, I literally want to do everything with my favourite person in the world, but let's get real - spending time apart is inevitable and necessary.
He can make me feel like the luckiest person in the entire universe, but also the most vulnerable. And let's just say, I'm not the best at coping with the latter. But I'm working on it. For someone who values words of reassurance and physical acts of affection, boy is it hard to be left alone, hanging onto every single word of the last argument. You know what, ego's a bitch. As much as you'd like to hear "you're right, I'm sorry", it doesn't go your way all the time (obviously). Love, after it hits you hard, will soothe you in unexpected ways and make you want to let go and give in. Love holds no grudges and love is transparent. It takes a while to be transparent, which can be incredibly frustrating, but be patient. You will feel insecure and under-appreciated at times, which will suck. Hard. But if he's meant to be in your life, he won't be going anywhere, and he should let you know that. I hope I've got it right this time.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
PSA
Hello, it's been a while. 2 months actually. It's been real quiet here but life away from this has been far from quiet. Truth be told, I have had inclinations to work on some of the drafts I've stashed in this dusty old place and just churn out posts like before. But I didn't, because of a number of reasons like:
1. work has limited my free time greatly 2. what I come up with isn't good enough 3. hardly in the mood to post stuff
That's it, basically. But I have since decided that writing is good for my soul and there is no good reason to leave this space for dead. Though I do have some plans to improve my content here swimming around in the back of my head. So yes, thank you for reading and there will be more to come :-)
1. work has limited my free time greatly 2. what I come up with isn't good enough 3. hardly in the mood to post stuff
That's it, basically. But I have since decided that writing is good for my soul and there is no good reason to leave this space for dead. Though I do have some plans to improve my content here swimming around in the back of my head. So yes, thank you for reading and there will be more to come :-)
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