Teach me how to love

Love has always been a very shiny concept to me. The kind you see in movies that have you feeling  a little delusional for days, the kind that makes you smile to yourself on the bus, the kind that you day-dream about. But once you take a swing at it, those things are really only a minor part of a much, much bigger picture. Love is hard work, but it's the kind of hard work you wouldn't mind doing, because you are that convinced that it is going to be worth it in the end.

You know, I thought that this post was going to be a way for me to express my frustration when life gets in the way of what could be and I just feel a sense of loss. But it is 12:12am and it's raining outside, and I don't feel particularly upset. Love has made me realise a lot about myself, more than anything (but not in a selfish way - it works both ways).

In Lora Mathis' words: Some days you will feel like the ocean. Others you will feel like you're drowning in it. Like I said before, it is not realistic to expect someone else to make you the center of your universe. At least not in the long run. While some days, all I want is to put this person in front of all else (even myself), on others that is just not possible. The hardest thing for me, so far, is to realise that love should not make you lose your individuality. Yes, I literally want to do everything with my favourite person in the world, but let's get real - spending time apart is inevitable and necessary.

He can make me feel like the luckiest person in the entire universe, but also the most vulnerable. And let's just say, I'm not the best at coping with the latter. But I'm working on it. For someone who values words of reassurance and physical acts of affection, boy is it hard to be left alone, hanging onto every single word of the last argument. You know what, ego's a bitch. As much as you'd like to hear "you're right, I'm sorry", it doesn't go your way all the time (obviously). Love, after it hits you hard, will soothe you in unexpected ways and make you want to let go and give in. Love holds no grudges and love is transparent. It takes a while to be transparent, which can be incredibly frustrating, but be patient. You will feel insecure and under-appreciated at times, which will suck. Hard. But if he's meant to be in your life, he won't be going anywhere, and he should let you know that. I hope I've got it right this time.