An open letter

This is an open letter to the boys who made me a better lover.

Why do we dive head first into situations that we know are probably not going to work out? This morning, I found myself digging up old messages and past conversations with people who I've always tried to shake off and forget. However I mustered up the courage to read them all, through all the cringing and "god I said that???" A few years back, I could not tell the difference between "I'm in love with you" and "I'm in love with the attention you give me". But all the interactions and experiences have made me a whole lot wiser and realise that love is a simple concept that we overcomplicate ourselves.

"I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known." - Chuck Palahniuk

#1
You are the first, but the wrong first. I was not in love with you even though I said I was. I did not understand what I was doing because I was trying to walk on water. After all, who could be in love at 13? But you taught me about second chances, and how some second chances are just too good to be true. I didn't know love could fall apart so easily. Even though you were pretty clueless yourself, I now appreciate the uncertainty you had, because we were meant to be friends, and nothing more. At least we can laugh at the painfully awkward situations we put each other through.

#2
You were different, because you were certain - too certain. You came to me everyday, hands out stretched with affection I didn't even know I wanted. But I took it anyway, in minute amounts, one at a time, because I didn't want to leave scars in something that seemed so pure and pristine. For a long time, I felt guilty, for wasting your time and for being so hypocritical and contradicting. I am sorry. I am happy that you have moved on, and I have made peace with my old self. Never again will I rush into something I'm unsure of, in the hopes that one day I will make up my mind, because I have no right to give someone a false sense of security.

#3
You, are all I've been waiting for. I am in love with you, and for the first time, I know what I'm saying. Everyday you teach me something new about myself, as I learn new things about you. For once I am certain. While you are not exactly the first, I have shared so many firsts with you, that I don't know how this could ever come to an end. With you, love is intangible, and it is a sum of many little things that I never knew were love, because I've always thought of love as something grand. You taught me that love does not boast and it does not have a face. It's unexpected - it's the penny you find on the ground at the corner of the street because for some reason, you decided to look down. While I have no forecast of the future, I have this feeling that we'll be stuck with each other for a pretty long time. And everything I have with you, is worth all of the screw-ups and missteps made in the past.