Confessionals

Some days, I am ashamed of the person I've become. Like all the personal achievements and things worth living for suddenly become insignificant and I can only concentrate on how flawed I actually am. I think you have those days too. 

I don't think I'm being too hard on myself, and maybe that's the problem. As much as I talk about being different and "being a decent human being 101", some days I feel like a hypocrite. I become that person who stays on her phone at social events to avoid making conversations with people. There is a special place in my heart for people who can just walk up to you and start a comfortable conversation, and yes, I want to talk to (friendly) strangers and exchange stories just to have a whole new perspective of life after. But, no, I am not that person.

I am selfish and afraid of confrontation. I wish I'd be more generous and giving instead of putting my benefits and materialistic needs before those who have less than I do. I wish I was emotionally tougher. Chide me, lay out my mistakes right in front of me, and I will crack a little, even if you don't see it. I want to stop saying "I" so much, and I want to take everything that life throws at me, and walk right through it without a weakened spirit. But, no, I am not always that person.

Maybe all I need to do to stop feeling so ashamed, is to just be that person I want to be. Easy. 

No, not easy. I am human and I am extremely volatile. There will be days where I glow with positivity and nothing can get me down. And there will also be days where I feel aimless and useless, and no matter what I do, I feel like I'm wasting my life, and wasting whatever space I occupy in this universe. I am constructing myself to be better, physically and spiritually, and I think that's the least we can do. You cannot force your heart to be on the same page as your mind and you need to give yourself time, though that does not mean you get to justify your flaws all the time. 

Being a decent human being 101: you will always have room for improvement.

Gonna sidetrack now. Have you ever thought about blind people? How they can remain so spirited while living in darkness. What if we went blind for a day? It's such a scary thought, but I think we would learn to see how truly beautiful the world can be. I guess when you're rendered sightless and vulnerable like that, you learn to take things slow, and trust people you barely know. Like how people love so blindly.

Before I go, do me a favour and check out Auxiliar (@auxiliarofficial), a brand my friends and I created, and if you like anything, write to us! I would greatly appreciate it.