My heart is growing empty

I have been watching spoken word and performance poetry videos and I think that has spurred me to get back to writing about things that fill me with emotions, that sometimes, do not mix well together. Yet these emotions are very helpful in helping me create stories and musings that you hopefully resonate with. In fact, I've been working at it for the past few nights, which have been exhausting and tearful, but I'm going to keep going. That is the best thing anyone can do at this point.

Love is harder than I thought it would be. It has thrown me off-guard many times and each time I am trying to learn how to love better and wiser. And honestly, I'm not sure if this is how it's supposed to work. I thought it would be easy to be sure if you were in love with someone. It should be easy, right? I wish love would make up its mind, because some days it makes me feel light and giddy but other days it drives me up the wall and I am left pretty scratched up. Do you know how bad it feels to give your heart and soul to something you believe in so much but not get anything in return? No, love is not a contract and you do not love someone with the intention of self-gain. You love someone because well, you love someone, and the perks of being in love just come naturally and unplanned. But if you keep giving more of yourself to someone else and they just leave you hanging, god, such an awful feeling. It's so scary to be vulnerable in the hands of someone who never fails to make your eyes light up, and even worse when that person makes you feel like it was a wrong time to be vulnerable in the first place. Am I a difficult person to love?

I hope I am not making a mistake, and if I am, then I want you to be my best mistake because I don't know how else to explain how you make me feel if it is not love. But I am lost, because maybe you're lost too and perhaps love is about two lost people trying to find a place in the world together, and if not, in each other.

Love is harder than I thought it would be. In your frequent absence, I thought I would still find comfort in small acts of assurance but sadly, it's just a void. A void I am struggling to get used to. I miss the way it used to be and I am, truthfully, incredibly afraid of the future. I wish you could return and tell me that everything is going to be fine, otherwise I don't think I can sleep tonight. Please?