Weakness.

Rough times. I know, I know I should be studying now because it's exactly 1 month to o's but I can't hold it in any longer. Strangely enough, at this juncture, unlike the other normal people around me, studies seem to be not much of a worry to me. Instead, I am consumed by emotional pains and insecurities. It frustrates me so much I don't want to feel like this anymore. Is it possible for me to feel so alone, though I am surrounded by people who supposedly care? What's the point, can't even tell them anyway. And I don't want to give them problems because really, my problems are none of their business.
God, why do I want something I can't have? What is wrong with me? I keep thinking about what could have been if I didn't walk away. But I don't think you care. This space, this void, is it always going to be there? You have no idea how often I think of you. Maybe you feel the same as I do, but we're just too afraid to take a chance. What a shame.
I am so tired of pretending to be okay. So tired of having all these thoughts but being unable to do anything about them. Thinking about these problems is a waste of time so I spend the day surrounding myself with work and distractions to get me along, but once I have nothing to do and when I'm trying so hard to fall asleep, boy, everything hits me hard. It's haunting, and I really want it to stop.
I guess this is the only way I can say these things. I'm not the type to pour out my heart to someone in person. And I really don't want to break down in front of people who never knew what I really felt like.
Forgive but don't forget.
Well, that took a while to type. I'd be lying if I said nothing makes me happy. Really thankful for the people who try. Who understand. How they make me feel a little less lonely, even if they don't know it. I'm thankful for the better-than-expected prelim results. Just hope I can maintain while dealing with all this shit.
Ugh, hate the way I look these days. Hate the way I feel sad all the time.
In other news, I'm re-reading The Fault In Our Stars. Reading the front parts make me feel less sad. Haven't got to the sad parts yet...think I'll put off reading it for a while.
Ok I'm wasting a lot of time thinking and writing. Should get back to math. It'll take away the thoughts for a while.
Meanwhile, this song is perfect and is one of the few things capable of lifting my spirits.

"It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you."
x